One Year and in the Clear!

“What a year” is probably the biggest understatement I could say to describe the year I’ve had. This weekend marks one year since I got the diagnosis of Acute Myleoid Leukemia, also known as AML. I’ll never forget that week, getting the happiest and most devastating news of my life. Throughout this year I’ve experienced incredible pain, discomfort and sometimes sadness; but, have also had some of the most joyful and rewarding times as well. I’ve learned so much and am so lucky to have the life I have.

The cause of this cancer is still unknown. I often find myself craving an answer as to why this happened, but there really isn’t one, it just happened. One of the ways I’ve tried to process this experience and find some reason for it, is to find the positive changes and lessons that I’ve learned.

This year I was lucky enough to have the best medical team I could have hoped for. I use the word team, because they really all work together in the most amazing way. Before this experience I never went to the doctor, maybe once or twice to the walk in clinic when I was sick, but never for checkups or anything (I don’t recommend that, by the way!).  I was lucky enough to have a skilled OBGYN pick up on my blood work that something was wrong, then have the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding and supportive medical team taking care of me. There were a few scary times, but they weren’t giving up on me for anything. I’ve heard horror stories from other people going through this disease, and I just count my lucky stars for the care that I received and continue to receive through this process.

A year ago, I never could have imagined the things that were going to happen, and all the questions in the world wouldn’t have prepared me. If I could go back and tell myself one thing on that day, I would say, “It’s going to be okay.” My life is not what I thought it was going to be by any means, but that doesn’t make it bad, and everything is still okay. Early on in this process, I learned to tell myself that everything was going to be okay, because it had to be. Dying was always a very real scare, but even if that were the case, things were still going to be okay. For me, this simple little statement helped me to roll with the many changes that occurred this year.

Cancer has taught me to embrace change in every way. My first major change was learning to accept my new look. I lost my hair twice, once during my first round of chemo, the second during my stem cell transplant. I’ve learned to love my wigs, and appreciate that I don’t have to do my hair everyday. I have new scars from central lines, PICC lines, and a C Section. I’ve lost and gained weight a million times. I’ve learned to accept that my body cannot yet function like it used to, I tire easily and still need to worry about getting sick. A huge, challenging change for me is that I no longer have the ability to have children. But, how lucky am I to have my sweet little miracle? Life is constantly changing, but I’ve found it’s so much easier to just roll with the punches- change the things you can, and accept what you cannot.

This year I also learned a lot about people. It’s been interesting to see the people that have been there for me though this experience. Friends and family who saw me at my worst, when I was too sick and weak to even get out of bed, the amazing messages I received, and the well wishes from people all over the world. It was really touching to hear from people that I hadn’t talked to in years, who sent me messages to let me know they were thinking of me. Along with that, people who I had never met that asked friends and family how I was regularly. I say it every time, but it really does mean the world to me, and always puts a smile on my face. Throughout this year, I’ve experienced so much love and goodness from people. You don’t have to look very far to see the good in the world.

I always knew that I had a great family, but during this experience everybody went above and beyond. I’m so lucky to have all of my family, my married family, and now my own little family…which brings me to the happiest part of this year…

Becoming a mom! I feel so lucky to have my little sweet pea. There were so many times where our lives were uncertain, and there is no other word to use to explain that but ‘scary’. I get to wake up to her smiling face everyday, and I never take that for granted. She gives me a reason to get up every morning, makes me laugh, and has taught me a love like no other. People always say there’s no love like the love you have for your child. It’s true, and I get it now. Her little face just melts my heart.  I can’t believe it, but I’m beginning to think about her one year birthday! Where did the time go?!

I can’t thank everyone enough for all of the support I have received this year. Overall, medically, I am doing very well. I don’t have any signs of Leukemia and the stem cells are doing their job. I have minor things pop up here and there, get transfusions every so often, and go to the doctor very regularly. I’m looking forward to my stem cell birthday in August, where I’ll get some new vaccines and probably another bone marrow biopsy. I’m hoping for smooth sailing from here on out.

Once again, thank you for all the love and support through this ever so changing year, it means the world!

Kristin