One Year and in the Clear!

“What a year” is probably the biggest understatement I could say to describe the year I’ve had. This weekend marks one year since I got the diagnosis of Acute Myleoid Leukemia, also known as AML. I’ll never forget that week, getting the happiest and most devastating news of my life. Throughout this year I’ve experienced incredible pain, discomfort and sometimes sadness; but, have also had some of the most joyful and rewarding times as well. I’ve learned so much and am so lucky to have the life I have.

The cause of this cancer is still unknown. I often find myself craving an answer as to why this happened, but there really isn’t one, it just happened. One of the ways I’ve tried to process this experience and find some reason for it, is to find the positive changes and lessons that I’ve learned.

This year I was lucky enough to have the best medical team I could have hoped for. I use the word team, because they really all work together in the most amazing way. Before this experience I never went to the doctor, maybe once or twice to the walk in clinic when I was sick, but never for checkups or anything (I don’t recommend that, by the way!).  I was lucky enough to have a skilled OBGYN pick up on my blood work that something was wrong, then have the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding and supportive medical team taking care of me. There were a few scary times, but they weren’t giving up on me for anything. I’ve heard horror stories from other people going through this disease, and I just count my lucky stars for the care that I received and continue to receive through this process.

A year ago, I never could have imagined the things that were going to happen, and all the questions in the world wouldn’t have prepared me. If I could go back and tell myself one thing on that day, I would say, “It’s going to be okay.” My life is not what I thought it was going to be by any means, but that doesn’t make it bad, and everything is still okay. Early on in this process, I learned to tell myself that everything was going to be okay, because it had to be. Dying was always a very real scare, but even if that were the case, things were still going to be okay. For me, this simple little statement helped me to roll with the many changes that occurred this year.

Cancer has taught me to embrace change in every way. My first major change was learning to accept my new look. I lost my hair twice, once during my first round of chemo, the second during my stem cell transplant. I’ve learned to love my wigs, and appreciate that I don’t have to do my hair everyday. I have new scars from central lines, PICC lines, and a C Section. I’ve lost and gained weight a million times. I’ve learned to accept that my body cannot yet function like it used to, I tire easily and still need to worry about getting sick. A huge, challenging change for me is that I no longer have the ability to have children. But, how lucky am I to have my sweet little miracle? Life is constantly changing, but I’ve found it’s so much easier to just roll with the punches- change the things you can, and accept what you cannot.

This year I also learned a lot about people. It’s been interesting to see the people that have been there for me though this experience. Friends and family who saw me at my worst, when I was too sick and weak to even get out of bed, the amazing messages I received, and the well wishes from people all over the world. It was really touching to hear from people that I hadn’t talked to in years, who sent me messages to let me know they were thinking of me. Along with that, people who I had never met that asked friends and family how I was regularly. I say it every time, but it really does mean the world to me, and always puts a smile on my face. Throughout this year, I’ve experienced so much love and goodness from people. You don’t have to look very far to see the good in the world.

I always knew that I had a great family, but during this experience everybody went above and beyond. I’m so lucky to have all of my family, my married family, and now my own little family…which brings me to the happiest part of this year…

Becoming a mom! I feel so lucky to have my little sweet pea. There were so many times where our lives were uncertain, and there is no other word to use to explain that but ‘scary’. I get to wake up to her smiling face everyday, and I never take that for granted. She gives me a reason to get up every morning, makes me laugh, and has taught me a love like no other. People always say there’s no love like the love you have for your child. It’s true, and I get it now. Her little face just melts my heart.  I can’t believe it, but I’m beginning to think about her one year birthday! Where did the time go?!

I can’t thank everyone enough for all of the support I have received this year. Overall, medically, I am doing very well. I don’t have any signs of Leukemia and the stem cells are doing their job. I have minor things pop up here and there, get transfusions every so often, and go to the doctor very regularly. I’m looking forward to my stem cell birthday in August, where I’ll get some new vaccines and probably another bone marrow biopsy. I’m hoping for smooth sailing from here on out.

Once again, thank you for all the love and support through this ever so changing year, it means the world!

Kristin

Signs and Symptoms

Hi!

I often get asked the question, “How did you know something was wrong?” The answer is, I didn’t. Since I was pregnant, I was getting a lot of routine blood work, which ultimately lead to my diagnosis of Acute Myleoid Leukemia. Looking back, there were definitely some red flags that things were going a little haywire in my body, but I always chalked it up to pregnancy. I guess what they say is true, hindsight is 20/20! Some of the common signs of Leukemia are fatigue, easily bruising or bleeding and infections that will not go away.

While I was pregnant things were great. I was really tired my first trimester, but that was about it. I never had morning sickness, I wasn’t very moody and once I got pregnant my lactose intolerance went away! The day I hit my second trimester I suddenly had amazing energy and felt like I could conquer the world. About half way through my second trimester is when I started to feel a little bit different.

I can’t really pinpoint a time, but probably around 3-4 weeks before I was diagnosed, I started to get extremely fatigued very easily. It started with the shower. I would take a shower and have to lie down afterwards for quite a while. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t even get ready. My heart would be racing and just the effort of showering was so draining. Again, I just thought it was because I was pregnant. I took this picture before I went to the sonogram to find out what we were having. I had to talk myself up the whole time and tell myself I was going to actually do my hair and makeup. It probably took me a good few hours to get ready that day just because I needed to take breaks to rest. 

We lived in an apartment complex at the time. I would normally take our dog for a walk every morning and walk twice around the complex. Every single day the walks would get shorter and shorter. I went from twice to once, to half and just outside the door. I didn’t really notice at the time, but it was just so hard to stay on my feet.

I am convinced that my dog knew I had cancer before I did. She was being extremely weird. Out of nowhere on our morning walks, she would turn around on her leash and bark at me. I couldn’t figure it out. It got to the point where I was too tired to go on the evening walks, so Ryan would take her. She never barked at him. As soon as she came in the apartment she was back to barking at me. It got so bad that I actually made the comment, “I hope she doesn’t know something I don’t know”. 

"Go to the doctor, mom!"

There were a few other times where I felt weird. I went for a prenatal massage and wound up super dizzy. I spent the entire night googling what it meant, I was convinced that it went to deep and the toxins were going to my brain haha…I probably had low blood counts or blood pressure. I was also in the mall once and thought I was going to pass out while I was paying for my things, I thought it was just because I was hungry. On some of the bad days I tried to convince myself that I needed iron and would eat a hamburger. It never worked.

Many of the things I experienced were not too crazy, I like to believe it was caught pretty early; but, with this type of Leukemia it progressed very quickly. After all, its not like I thought I would wind up with cancer or even be able to carry a baby while I had cancer.

It just so happened that Humans of New York, a popular Facebook group, was doing special postings on patients and doctors at Memorial Slone Kettering while I was in the hospital for my first round of treatment. I pulled a quote from Dr. O’Reilly, “Cancer engenders immediate fear. I think that deep in our soul, we don’t want to admit to the possibility that we might have it too. So when someone else gets cancer, we turn that person into an ‘other’. If that person is ‘other than us,’ maybe it wont happen to us.” I don’t think anyone really ever thinks that it’s going to happen to them, it’s just something that you hear about. A friend of a friend, someone we don’t know, someone other than us, that’s who gets cancer. The truth is, it could happen to anyone.

It’s the most surreal feeling in the world to be told you have cancer. It was life changing for me. There were so many thoughts, what-ifs and uncertainties. There’s the grueling treatments and the uncertainty of survival, but afterward there is this appreciation for life. Looking back, I had some signs, but was it really enough to think I was going to die? Probably not. I’ve definitely learned to listen to my body and be aware of what is going on, if there's something weird, I go to the doctor now. Before getting pregnant, I never went. I've also learned that its so important to be aware and involved in your treatment. I always apologize to my doctors because I'm probably the most annoying patient, as I ask a million questions. I like to know everything. Why I'm taking certain medications, what they do, their side effects and other possibilities. At the end of the day, we're just trying to make it to tomorrow!

As always, thank you for the love and support!

Kristin  

Thankful!

Hi! 

So much has happened since I last updated this blog! I have to admit, the last time I wrote, I was not in the best of places. I was really run down, feeling sad and just wanted everything to be over. Over the past 30 or so days things have really started changing for the better. 

I'm home- as in my home, the place where my stuff is, for the foreseeable future! I don't have to worry about going in for more chemo, leaving my daughter or have any more scheduled hospital stays! Of course if I got sick that all changes, but its nice to know I don't have any more scheduled treatments and its mostly just recovery from here on out. I still have to travel into the city for my doctor appointments once a week which can be a long commute, but its so worth it. 

At my doctor appointments, I get my blood taken every week where they check for various things such as hemoglobin, platelets, white blood cells, electrolytes, my medication levels, and so many other things. There's probably about 8 tubes each time! My doctor also checks for any signs of graft vs. host disease, which I have been mildly experiencing. Since I left the hospital, I had a pretty bad rash all over my face and neck. It is most likely graft vs. host disease, where the donor cells attack your own, but just a mild form. It's been going on for a little over two months now, but its getting better. I have to be very diligent about wearing sunblock as these graft vs. host rashes are light sensitive. 

Now that I am approaching 100 days, many of the restrictions I had are slowly starting to be lifted. The first place I went to was the mall to take Emma to see Santa. I had to wear a mask and gloves, which is weird but I didn’t care. I was just so excited to be out in the community again! This week my doctor said I don’t have to wear the mask and gloves anymore, but I cannot be in any large crowds or near sick people. I just try to time my shopping trips when I know the stores won’t be crowded. I am also allowed to go to restaurants now, but have to still be very careful with cleanliness and choose trusted places. I still have to avoid raw vegetables and salads unless I make them myself to ensure everything is washed properly. My next countdown is the next time I can have a drink! I have to wait until I’m off certain medications, probably about three more months.

I still have a PICC line in my arm and have to give myself IV magnesium, probably for a few more months. It’s getting easier, kind of just a way of life now. The last few days I’ve been getting it over with in the morning and it kind of frees up my whole day (it takes 4 hours). Its definitely a challenge because I have to take care of Emma and wheel around a pole that’s connected to my arm, but I’m getting the hang of it. 

Last week was Thanksgiving. We had a small but great Thanksgiving with my parents. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday- its about family, being appreciative for what you have and food. I like that there’s no stress of gifts and people can just be happy together.  I’m always thankful, but in particular this year I am thankful to be alive. I would say there were probably three solid instances where I came pretty close to dying throughout this process so far; but instead, I’m here and got to celebrate with my wonderful family. I’m so thankful to have the best doctors taking care of me- who have showed such skill, but also compassion for treating our delicate situation. I am thankful for my husband who has never left my side, literally sleeping in a chair for months in the hospital. I am thankful for my daughter, who lights up my life and keeps me going. I am thankful for my brother for donating his stem cells, without them there’s a chance I wouldn’t be here. I am thankful for my mom for putting her life on hold to take care of Emma and I. I’m thankful for family that traveled thousands of miles to come see us. I am thankful for the continued love and support I receive daily from friends, family, and loved ones, it truly makes such a difference. There’s definitely more I’m thankful for, but I’d be here all day. 

On that note, I’m definitely looking forward to the holiday season and being together with my family. My life has changed and all for the better. Obviously I wish this never happened, but I have such a deeper appreciation for life and for the love that surrounds me.

As always, thank you for the continued love and support! Have a wonderful holiday season! 

Kristin

Reality

Hello!

Its been awhile since I've updated this blog. Honestly, this recovery process has been so hard and I haven't wanted to do anything or write about anything. Also, I like to keep these blogs positive, and when I don't feel that way, its hard to write.

For the first 100 days post-transplant I have to live close to the hospital in case anything went/goes wrong. I'm probably about 60+ days now and I can't wait to get home. Overall, I have been doing okay- my blood counts are steady and normal, so that's good. At 30 days I got a bone marrow biopsy and that revealed that I had 100% male stem cells, no Leukemia, and none of the chromosomal abnormalities were present in my bone marrow before, so that's good. I'll have another biopsy at 100 days, and hopefully it will read the same.

I've had a lot of time on my hands. I've been so lucky that my mom has come to live with us during the week while Ryan's at work to help out. She cooks all of the meals since I can't eat out, cleans everything, does the laundry and helps tremendously with Emma. I have a great mama! 

Overall I've kind of been down in the dumps throughout this whole recovery process. As part of the transplant process you are required to see a psychiatrist before and during treatment. I joked with her on the first meeting and said, "do we have to meet because this is going to mess me up?" she said no, but I think I was right. I came to the realization a few weeks after being home that I kind of needed someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through, so I continue to still see her once a week.

I think a lot of my unhappiness is stemming from being home all of the time and having too much time on my hands. For the past 7 months there was no time to sit and think about what was happening, I just had to do it. Now, there are so many things I can't do while in recovery that I just sit and think about how crazy this situation really was and some of the very difficult things we had to go through. I also get upset at the amount of limitations I have on my life at the moment and am just craving a tiny bit of normalcy.

For this recovery, I am on a LOT of medication. Many of them are prophylaxis' which are used to help prevent an infection, but one of the most important ones is used to suppress my immune system to keep the new cells from attacking my body. This particular medicine can lower the magnesium in the body, which helps muscles and a few other things, so I have to do an IV infusion at home everyday, which takes about 4 hours. I have a nurse that comes to the apartment every week to change the picc line bandage and I get all of the magnesium and supplies delivered weekly. I have to say its super weird to walk around your apartment with an IV pole.

Since I have a suppressed immune system, I have to be very careful about getting sick. My body does not yet have the immune system to fight any infections, plus if I got sick, the new cells can take advantage and attack organs. So I basically have to be very careful. The only times I can leave the house are to go on walks and to the doctor. Whenever I leave I have to wear a mask and gloves. I look so crazy, but if this is what I have to do, so be it. I'm not allowed to eat out or get take-out, everything has to be packaged or prepared at home to ensure cleanliness. For those who know me know this is the hardest! I am the Seamless Queen.

For the past week, I have been starting to feel a little bit better. I have been doing physical therapy and I think its helping to make me feel a little bit stronger, which is also helping my mood. I am starting to see a light at the end of the 100 days, which will hopefully lead to a continued few months of healing. At that 100 day mark, my medications will start being slowly tapered off and things will gradually start to feel a little more normal. I CAN'T WAIT!!

That's it for now. As always, thank you for the continued love and support through out this crazy journey.

Love,
Kristin

Transplant and More!

Last month, I shared a blog about how I was going in for a stem cell transplant. It can be read here. I shared the prep of chemo and radiation and a little bit about life in between chemo and transplant. After receiving the transplant, I can now say my life feels completely changed.

For one, the transplant was physically the most challenging thing I've been through. The cells went in on a Friday afternoon around 3pm, and took about three hours. It didn't feel like anything going in, but once it finished I went to use the bathroom and suddenly felt way different. I was given some medication that helped me calm down and feel a little more normal, and I slept through the night.

The next morning, I woke up to my first set of fevers which were severe, but expected. I had fevers that reached as high as 103.9 and included total body uncontrollable shaking, sweating and general discomfort. This lasted for three days and I was treated with Tylenol (which barely worked) and sometimes some Demerol to stop the shaking. I was miserable and just wanted it to stop.

After the three days, I was able to get more chemo to help relieve the fevers. The fevers happen because in the half match, the cells in my body try to fight the new cells. Once I got the chemo, the fevers slowed down, because it destroys the cells who are not cooperating. Once the fevers stopped I was a little more comfortable. The chemo I got made me lose my hair completely. The last few rounds of chemo I received left me with some stubble, but not I look like Mr. Clean (remember him?)

After the fevers, I started to get weird rashes on my feet that hurt pretty badly. I also started to get mouth sores that made it difficult to eat and even open my mouth. I was given a PCA which is a special box of pain medicine that goes on the IV pole. I had a little button that I could press when I felt pain and it would give me relief.

While all this was going on, we were very lucky to have family to help take care of Emma. Emma spent a two week vacation with my parents, then got to spend another two week vacation with her granny and grandad from Ireland. We're so lucky to have a close family who all comes together in times of need to help us out.

As of now I'm still in the hospital and am hoping to get out soon. I'm on crazy medications with side effects that make my whole body shake. Its quite annoying and I can expect to be on them for about 6 months. I really want to see Emma everyday, and am looking forward to that. Overall, it seems like things were successful and I'm glad of that.

Once again, thank you for all the love and support.

Kristin

Transplant Week!

Hello!

Well, I'm back in the hospital, but I'm happy to say that I had a wonderful 10 days at home with my family and peanut before I came back. Originally I was supposed to come back this Tuesday, but things got changed and I was admitted on Friday. Being home was great. I was able to spend time with Emma, wake up with her at night, read her books, took her to the Cheesecake Factory about a million times (because I can't help myself), sit in the rocking chair, and just do mom stuff (whatever that may be!). I think my favorite part about being home was waking up at night with Emma. While its really hard to get up in the middle of the night sometimes, I couldn't help but think every night that my time was limited, and I didn't take any of those nights for granted. There's nothing like giving your child a bottle alone at night and staring into their precious eyes. I think she's a little confused with her days and nights though, she likes to be awake at night; but, it allowed me to share some nice moments alone with her. 

  

After being home, the next thing Ryan and I had to conquer was packing a suitcase for a two month old baby to stay at grandma and grandpa's for a month. This was beyond hard. I'd say the two hardest things  for me so far have probably been driving home from the hospital after giving birth without my baby (she was in the NICU), and dropping her off to go back to the hospital. I FaceTime her everyday and she knows my voice. I get to tell her how much I love her and let her know that I will see her soon. It makes me so happy to see her smile when I talk to her. 

 

I got admitted back into the hospital last Friday. Ryan and I got here for about 9am and I had to get my catheter put in. I'll explain how it happens, if you don't like gross things skip to the next paragraph!  Basically, I had to go to IR (Interventional Radiology) and they put big wires into my chest for the stem cells to fit. I was awake for the whole procedure and I of course always ask way too many questions. The way it was explained to me, or at least I understood it was that a big wire was fed through my jugular and wound up near my heart, and came out of my chest. Its strange. I guess its similar to the PICC line I've described in other posts, but its bigger allows for the stem cells to fit nicely through the line without getting clogged. I have to say, its very scary to get things shoved into your neck while you're awake though!

After I got the catheter put in, I was taken to my room and started chemotherapy that day. So far I've had three days of chemotherapy, much like I've had in the past and have had four days of radiation, twice a day. The radiation was a totally new experience for me. The radiation treatment I got is called Total Body Irradiation (TBI). Its not fun. I've signed papers saying that I will be infertile and never be able to have more kids, I will most likely wind up with cataracts within the next 5-10 years, and although unlikely, I could develop other cancers or organ damage. Its hard to deal with these things, but I have to keep thinking of the bigger picture. Anyway, I went for the first day of radiation on Monday morning at 7:30. For the first three treatments, I was asked to stand in this apparatus. The radiation only lasts for eight minutes, then you turn for the other side for eight minutes. It doesn't sound hard, but before each eight minute cycle, it takes close to a half hour of x-rays to find the correct position. There are specially cut out lung blocks to block the radiation from getting to the lungs, and about 4-5 x-rays need to be taken before each cycle to make sure they were in the correct place. When all was said and done, it took about an hour and a half of standing in the apparatus and not being able to move. If you move, the process is started all over. I've lost so much muscle in my legs and they would just shake like leaves. 

After the doctors saw that I was having a difficult time standing, they set up a laying down position. I laid on a bag that felt like styrofoam, and they sucked all the air out to mold to my body. I had to lay in the same position for all of the treatments and once again had to get lung blocks made and specially placed. It was more difficult to place the lung blocks in the correct place for this position, so the days I laid down took closer to three hours to complete. The white machine is where the radiation was emitted from. The lights stay on in the room and you're in there alone. The machine made a humming sound and the techs watched on cameras from outside the room. It was much easier to just lay there. 

Some of the immediate side effects of the radiation are being really tired and irritated skin. Everyday I had radiation this week, I came back to my room to sleep for a few hours before going back in the afternoon. My skin kind of looks like a sunburn, its all red and I'm cold.  There are special creams to put on to keep the skin hydrated and all that fun stuff.

So tomorrow afternoon I will be getting my stem cells. Like I've said all along, I'm scared. For the actual infusion, the stem cells will go into my body over about an hour. I may get reactions and need Benedryl or steriods throughout. The nurses have been great here and assure me that they are prepared for whatever may go wrong. For the first few days I will get really high fevers that can reach up to 104F, and they have ways to help treat that as well. I think what I'm most worried about is organ damage, because that can be tricky if the cells attack those. I have to keep reminding myself to think positive and trust that everything is going to be okay. After the first few days of the cells being in, I will be getting more chemo to suppress my immune system to keep the cells from attacking my body. This will help with the graft vs. host disease and hopefully put me in a better place. 

So, that's about it for now. I can't believe all of this is happening. Its been such a long road to get here both physically and mentally. I'd say its even harder mentally. Things have definitely been hard the last few weeks, trying to stay positive and keep a brave face. I write these blogs and try to keep on the bright side, but I also have to be honest with myself and those who read it. I look back at my first post and read about how I never thought about the why me's? I do now, and I hate it. Its more so, why my family? Why did my daughter have to be born two months early and go through the NICU? How am I going to explain to her why she doesn't have brothers and sisters when she asks? Why do I have to worry about not being around for her first birthday party? There are so many thoughts that go through my mind every second of the day, all I can really do is hope for the best and believe it will all work out, because one way or another, it has to and it will. If there's one thing I've learned from this situation, its not to take life, love or family for granted. Life is so unexpected, one day you can be celebrating the best thing in your life, the next you can be fighting like hell for it. 

As always thank you for all the love and support thorough this process, it means the world. 

<3 Kristin

Almost Doesn't Count

If there’s ever a time where I would use the phrase “almost doesn’t count”, now would be it. Over the last month I was readmitted to the hospital for two and a half weeks. I was able to enjoy a good three days at home with Emma, but unfortunately I had to go back in for some complications.

A few weeks ago, I was at home taking a shower and noticed I was starting to feel very weak. I thought nothing of it and went to my infusion center appointment to get labs drawn to see whether I would need a transfusion or not. That day, my levels had gone very low and I needed two bags of blood and a bag of platelets. Throughout the seven hour day of transfusions, I had noticed my temperature going up and down and was nervous it was going to reach 100.3, which are grounds to be readmitted. I wound up going home that night around 9pm and took my temperature before bed. Unfortunately, it read 100.5, then 100.8 and I had to go back in. I thought I would be back in the hospital for a few days of antibiotics, then back home, but that was not the case.

When I got admitted to the hospital another big problem was discovered. After having Emma, I had the normal side effects and felt pretty good by the time I was back in for chemo. Unfortunately, my body thought it was time to go back to normal after giving birth and I started bleeding again just when all of my blood counts were reaching their lowest. This happened to be a very bad situation. The chemo did not allow my body to replace the blood cells I needed, and I was loosing way too much blood. I was getting blood and platelet transfusions around the clock, but nothing was able to keep my levels up. By this point, we started trying various methods to stop the bleeding, starting from the least invasive to ultimately having a procedure done. In less than one week I had over 30 blood transfusions to try to replace the loss. At this point, the blood in my body wasn’t even mine anymore. Thank goodness for the generous people who donate blood for once again saving my life!

That hospital stay was so tough. I wasn’t able to see Emma for the first week I was there. I asked everyday to see her, but the answer was always no. I was having such a hard time understanding the reasoning, but it ultimately came down to my and Emma’s safety, to protect us from infection and the bleeding. This was so hard. After the NICU I had three days with Emma, then I was back in the hospital. I desperately wanted to be with her and was not taking no for an answer. I cried everyday, was moody and generally not the most pleasant to be around. Once again, Ryan, my family, the doctors and nurses were all understanding and never held it against me. It still doesn’t make me feel good to know that I was being a brat. After the first week and a few days when I started to become more stable, I was able to meet Emma downstairs in the lobby for about an hour each night. While its weird only seeing your child in a hospital lobby, I was very thankful for the time I got to spend with her.

After the dust settled with those complications, I was able to go back home- finally! Since having Emma in June, we have not been home for more than 24 hours. It was so nice to bring Emma home and show her where we live. Of course she doesn’t understand, but its nice to have all of her stuff nearby and not feel like we’re constantly living out of our suitcases. We have all the amenities we need and are enjoying spending time with her at home.

Last week, my brother flew in from Florida to come donate his stem cells. We’ve been talking about this for months, its crazy that he is finally here, and even leaving soon. It’s been great to spend time with him. For the past week, he has been getting special injections that help to bring the stem cells into the blood stream. He’s such a trooper- these shots are not the most fun. I had to get them while I was in the hospital and I know they cause a lot of bone pain- and he’s getting triple my dose. I feel bad that he has to go through this pain, but ultimately I know he wouldn’t have it any other way. He is so happy that he is able to help me out, and I am so grateful. He went today to get his stem cells collected. They put a port into his neck, drew the blood, filtered out the stem cells, then returned the remaining blood back into his body. The process sounds simple, but it took many hours and I’m sure it was not the most comfortable. I think its safe to say I owe him big time!

Since my brother is donating his cells, that means I am that much closer to transplant.  I have been talking with the transplant team and they have been amazing with getting everything organized, helping me make sense of everything, talking to me about the process, answering my 1000 silly questions and generally trying to put me at ease. I think I am mostly scared just because my body feels beat up. It feels like I have run three long sprints without any breaks, and am going straight into a marathon. I felt pretty good after the first round of chemo, but after the c-section, second round of chemo, and the complications after, I just feel drained.

I feel so bittersweet going into the transplant. I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but at this point, I will be leaving my Leukemia team and be transferred to the transplant team. I walked into my first doctor’s appointment pregnant and scared, but I am leaving with having met some of the greatest doctors, PA’s and nurses who helped get me into remission and helped make my dream of having a family a reality. Through these past five months, they have helped me in so many more ways than just helping cure my cancer. They help me feel like a real person with hopes and dreams, rather than just a victim of cancer. They have helped me stay positive on my toughest days, lent an ear when I needed to talk, and listened to me complain when I just couldn’t take anymore; plus, they love the thousands of pictures of Emma I send! They welcomed the difficult task of caring for not only one patient through the first round of chemo, but two- and I am happy to say that I now have my own family because of them. The reality of it is, today was Emma’s due date, if I didn’t get treatment, there’s a good chance we both wouldn’t be here today. Crazy, huh. I say it all the time, cancer sucks- but the people I have met and the support I have received really shows how much good there is in this world.  I gush about the Leukemia team all the time, but I know transplant is going to be just as great!

As always thank you for the love and support, it means the world.

 Emma, 2 Months