How Did We Get Here?

This past year has been amazing. After working as a music teacher in New York for the last five years, my husband and I decided to move to Florida. I had been accepted as a graduate assistant to begin my PhD in Music Education and was excited for a change and to try something new. That summer, we packed up our stuff in a small U-Haul trailer and drove down south.

The decision to move to Florida was tough. We both had good jobs in the city, were financially stable, and really enjoyed our lifestyle. We had great friends, family close by, and were able to enjoy New York City. But, things weren't perfect- although they never are! I was starting to feel stuck in my job, I wasn't enjoying it as much as I though I would when I was younger. I wanted different challenges, aside from the everyday struggles of teaching and living. When I got accepted to school in Florida, we had a huge decision to make. Would we give up our stability for the unknown? Can I have kids while in graduate school? (This was three years, I didn't want to wait that long) How would these changes effect our relationship? We didn't know what to expect but knew that we'd regret it if we never tried. So, off we went.

Before moving out of New York, I started to get serious baby fever. My husband had always wanted kids, but I was never ready. It was strange, I suddenly woke up one day and thought, 'I need a baby, this is what I'm meant to do'. It sounds so weird, but I just got this feeling that my purpose in life was to be a mom- I was ready.

When we got down to Florida, I settled into my school schedule and thought about how we could make a family work. I thought that if we got a three bedroom apartment, things would be easy for the baby and guests and I thought about day care options for me to go to class when I needed. Obviously, I may have left a few things out, oops! Sometimes I live in a dream world. Once we actually got pregnant, things were real and we needed to make our decisions appropriately. We started to think about the things that were really important to us, and the kind of life we wanted for our child. The things important to us were family, friends and a house- all things we didn't have in Florida. While we did have my brother and grandparents three hours away, I still felt like I needed my mom, especially with a new baby.

After careful consideration, we decided to move back to New York after nine short months in Florida. I decided to finish out the spring semester and we made all of our travel arrangements for the end of April. I had planned to fly to New York and my brother was driving with my husband. We planned to rent an apartment and save up for a house.

April came quick, and I was suddenly 21 weeks pregnant. That's when I got the news about having cancer. You can read about that here. Once again, things got real- and very quickly. Luckily we already had everything in place for moving at the end of the month, but we now had to move everything up by about three weeks, and quick. With this type of Leukemia, the cancer cells develop rapidly and treatment or close monitoring needs to begin right away.

I found out I had cancer in Florida and needed to make the decision as to where I would get treatment. The options were to stay in Florida and have my mom come down to help me, or switch all of my doctors and treatment to New York. That was tough as well. I knew I needed the support from my family and friends, but I was starting to become really comfortable with my Florida doctors. They were amazing. I still get personal phone calls and text messages from both of my OB's to check up on me and make sure everything is okay. I was worried I wouldn't find that familiarity and comfort in New York, but I ultimately knew I had to come back.


Since the Friday I was diagnosed (and always, actually), my family and friends have been nothing short of amazing. Nobody could do enough to help. My parents and aunts and uncles were on the phone constantly with every New York hospital trying to find the right place to send me. My brother was rearranging work obligations to help my husband drive the truck up north, and other family and friends were sending me thoughtful messages and well wishes. I cannot thank everyone enough for all of the support and love I have been given this past week.

By Monday we had a better idea of where I'd be receiving treatment. By Tuesday I was on a flight to New York, and Wednesday I was sitting in the cancer center getting another bone marrow biopsy. Everything was very quick and I didn't have much time to process anything. My husband was in Florida packing up our apartment and was on the road with my brother Tuesday night. It was hard to not have him at the doctor's appointment on Wednesday, but I had my parents and that was huge.

After the appointment on Wednesday, the doctor had told me that they were going to try to wait out treatment for about four weeks, until it would be possible to deliver the baby. I would need close monitoring, driving into the city once a week and getting blood drawn in between appointments. I was okay with this, but I knew I'd be bringing a bag with me to every appointment in case I was admitted to the hospital.

This Monday, yesterday, I had two appointments, this time with Maternal Fetal Medicine and my Leukemia doctor. MFM was not happy with delivering the baby in four weeks, as the risks for birth defects and mortality go up. Her suggestion was to go ahead with the chemotherapy while pregnant. I went to my Leukemia appointment after and told the doctor what she had said. His suggestion was that we start chemotherapy this week.

On my way home from the doctor, I got a phone call from the MFM doctor. She informed me that I was a week away from the time where I could terminate the pregnancy and let me know of all the extra potential risks the pregnancy brings to me. This was devastating and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This baby is saving me, and I have to do my best to save her.

I will be starting chemotherapy in two days and I don't really know what to do. I will lose my hair, so my mom and I are going wig shopping today. Every time I think about losing my hair, I cry. It seems petty to cry about not having hair in this situation as this is saving my life, but it just makes it feel so real. I have been trying to go about my daily life and be as normal as possible, but I know once I look in the mirror and have no hair, everything is real. I have been eating every thing I want, so I guess that's a perk.

Chemotherapy will be given in the hospital. I will be there for about a month. The actual chemo drugs are on a continuous drip for seven full days and the remaining weeks are spent fighting infection. The chemo drugs deplete all of the cells, red, white, good and bad in your body. Therefore, the risk for infection is really high. I will be given antibiotics and the baby will be monitored closely. 

Overall, I'm scared. My doctors have kept me informed as to what to expect with the chemo, but its still so unknown. I don't know if my baby will be okay, I don't know if I'll be okay- the only thing I do know is that I can flight like no other, and I will.