Gearing Up!

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I decided to start this blog and I really can't seem to think of an answer.  For the past few years on Facebook, I've been pretty private. I'd post happy pictures here and there, but try to leave my opinions, personal beliefs and stories to myself. When this happened, I just felt like there was something in me that wanted to share. I debated back and forth as to whether it would be tacky to tell the world I had cancer, but something in me just wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. I remember walking in to the apartment after finding out the news and asking my husband, "Now what? What do you do when you find out you have cancer?" We wound up getting dinner- but, I did wind up writing my first blog the day after.  I know I could have written this all down in a journal for myself, but I didn't. In many ways I'm glad I didn't keep it private. I'm proud of the strength and clarity I'm finding through writing and sharing. Its been so helpful to process and organize my thoughts and really reflect on what is happening. I also don't feel so alone. Its amazing to see the support and love from family, friends, and people I have never even met! I've also been able to connect with people who have gone trough similar situations and that's helped a lot too.

Last week, my good friend Dawn asked me about setting up a GoFundMe page. I had heard of them, and have generally seen them around Facebook as a way to raise money for people in need. When she asked if she could start one in my honor, I was nervous. I've never been good at taking money from people and honestly didn't realize I would actually need it. Remember how I said I didn't always think things through? ;). Well, after she explained what this would be used for, like my medical bills, I was pretty understanding. Yes, we do have insurance, but there's going to be a big chunk that is not covered, or that we're responsible for, and that's super scary. This could go on for close to a year. Put a newborn onto that and its terrifying. That being said, I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel for the people who have already shown such support with their kind words and encouragement, but on top of that- to spend your hard earned money to help me is just so amazing. Thank you to everyone who has donated, shared the post or even just thought about me. Your support and generosity means everything.

A few days ago, last Monday, I found out I was being admitted into the hospital on Thursday, April 21st, 2016. It was a little unexpected because we thought we were going to go back and forth to the doctor and try to wait out the pregnancy as long as we could. Overall, we decided (the doctors and me/my husband, family) that it would be best to get this taken care of as soon as possible. My doctor shared a scary statistic with me that Monday. If gone untreated, Leukemia can take your life in three to four months. This wouldn't be good for the baby or myself.

The next day my mom, my husband and I went to the wig store. As you might know from my last post, I was a little bent out of shape knowing I would lose my hair. Since I've gotten my wigs, I feel so much better. We went to the store not really knowing much. I've never worn a wig, hair extensions once, but they're much different. The woman in the store was so helpful. We first worked on finding the style I liked, which wound up being pretty similar to how my hair is when I dry and put a curl in it. Then I picked a color. I originally wanted blonde, but the blonde needed to be ordered, so I got two! I was able to take home a brown color that day, and ordered a blonde and received it the day after. They're both made of synthetic hair, with a lace-front. The lace-front helps give the illusion of a hair line or part, and the synthetic hair is nice because the style will stay consistent after washing. With human hair wigs, the hair can frizz and requires more maintenance. I learned that the wigs need to be washed every seven wears, and need to be serviced every month and a half to stay nice. After I got my wigs I decided to cut my hair and donate it.

I was on a mission to do everything I was excited for and wouldn't be able to do for a month, so naturally I did my baby registry! My husband and I went to Babies R' Us and went around with the scanner. I wasn't feeling that great so we had to keep taking breaks and sitting in those great rocking chairs. The plus side is I got to try most of them out for awhile :) This was really the first time I started looking at baby stuff. I was waiting to get back to New York because it didn't make much sense to buy things in Florida and move it all the way back. I was originally going to get mostly gender neutral things because I wanted more kids, but I totally went all girl. I don't know if I'll have more kids now, so I might as well go all out! The other thing I had to think about was bottles. The whole time I've been been pregnant I've been talking about how I wanted to breastfeed and be able to support my baby. I know a lot of people say its hard and could be unrealistic, but I really wanted to have that feeling of knowing that I was doing the best I could for my baby and be able to help them grow and be healthy. With everything that's going on, it doesn't look like I'll be able to breastfeed, so I'm just trying to get used to the idea of that. I know formula can be great too, I just wish I had the choice.

The next day, Thursday, we got ready to go to the hospital. I was waiting for a call in the afternoon for a bed to open up, so we had a nice relaxing morning. We finished packing, went for lunch, and leisurely drove into the city.

When I got to the hospital, they were ready for me. I got admitted and started to meet all of my doctors- there's A LOT of them! Its so cool to see all of these people, sometimes even standing in one room, working together to help me and my daughter get better.

I had to give a lot of blood, get a lot of blood and do a lot of tests. After getting some blood work, the doctor decided that my hemoglobin levels were low and that I needed a blood transfusion. I was pretty nervous for this, I never had one before. I've tried to donate blood, but its different when somebody else's is going into you! The blood pumped slowly through an IV in my hand, which was pretty painful, actually. It took four hours. I have small veins, so maybe that has something to do with it.

The next day, Friday, I got my PICC line and a bunch of tests. The PICC line is a central line which goes through the arm and winds up somewhere near the heart. They used an ultrasound to find the vein, then thread the needle through and watched on a screen to see where it winds up. Pretty interesting, but super strange. It didn't hurt because they numbed everything, but its a little bit sore now from the bruising. I also got some heart tests, an EKG and an Echocardiogram, which is a sonogram of the heart. Those weren't bad. I got to test out the PICC line with another blood transfusion later in the night. It was great. The blood didn't hurt this time and it was done in a hour, score!

The last test of the night was a cat scan. I hated this. It doesn't hurt, but its not good to do in pregnancy. I hate that these decisions need to be made that could cause harm to my baby. My belly was covered in lead and they said it would be just one, but its still terrible. Throughout this whole pregnancy I've been so careful about everything, so much so that I didn't even wear nail polish. Maybe I'm a little crazy. The reason for doing the cat scan was because I had a cough for the last few weeks. I had to get a chest x-ray in Florida, but it was important to get the cat scan to make sure I don't have underlying pneumonia or respiratory issue. If I did have pneumonia and started the chemo, my body wouldn't be able to fight it off and it could be really bad. I do feel comfortable that everything is being done out of necessity and in our best interest, its just hard to swallow.

So far the tests have been coming back pretty good, with the exception of needing blood a few times. It looks like chemo will be starting very soon, maybe Monday.

My friends and family have been great and wanting to be so supportive. The biggest risk right after the chemo is infection. Once I am out of the danger zone for infection, I would love to have visitors!

Once again, thank you for all of the support and love, and for following along with us!

Kristin